"I'm so tired of being a woman!"

It's hard to imagine it now, but I actually got to a point where my frustration and lack of connection led me to say that- and mean it in the moment.
And I bet you've felt the same way in some of your tougher moments. After all, being a woman can be intense! But it's downright overwhelming when you don't have the support of sisters. When you're out of whack with your own body's cycles and boundaries and superpowers. When you are cut off from the lineage of wisdom and intuition that marks our place in the legacy of the Divine Feminine.
Whether it's feeling like you have to battle through your period and tough it out no matter what, feeling like no one around you who understands you, or running up against the unrealistic and unhealthy expectations society sets for us, I know you can relate to the mixture of emotions that led me to that moment. Here's how I got there- and how I got out.

Pushing the feminine aside

My first career was a creative one, as I experimented with photography and the joy of bringing beauty to life through art. However, it wasn't a money maker right off the bat, and instead of being supported in my dreams, the well-meaning advice I got was centered on quitting the creative to do something practical and more lucrative.
I went to work in the male-dominated construction industry as an administrative assistant and revenue collector for my dad's company. I did a great job, and got a lot of praise for it. My ability to connect with people made it easy for them to talk to me; as a result, I had great success rates with collecting on bills. What I noticed, though, was that when I received a compliment, it was for collecting funds- not for the connecting and relationship building that made my success possible. It started to dawn on me that there might be more to life in general- and my life in particular- than this highly masculine approach to work and success. I started to explore my own spiritual development, but found that even the women's groups I explored still were based on a hierarchy that felt very masculine to me.
I was beginning to see a growing disconnect between what I was being validated for and what I was beginning to realize my own worth really was.

Connecting and disconnecting

Having children was a tremendous joy to me. I immersed myself in understanding what was important to them, and learning how I could build them up and develop their self-esteem. I also started a business on the side with my cousin, crafting and selling herbal teas that women could use in sync with the lunar cycle and their cycles. For a while, I was feeling at least some of the connection and purpose I craved.
But then life got more hectic as I had my third son. I felt lost, and went into a time of depression that kept me from connecting with women as I had been doing, from meditating, and from doing the spiritual work I had started to embrace.
What I really wanted was to crawl into someone's lap and be comforted, but instead of having that outlet for myself, I was that person for others.
And then came the day I made a wish. Or a declaration. Either way, it was said out of pain and anger and frustration. Either way, the Universe-- and my body--heard me.

Be careful what you ask for

We were on vacation, driving to the Outer Banks, and I had my period.
Really heavily. We got out of the car and were starting to unpack and I realized I was about to pass out. I told my family I just needed to lay down.
I remember laying in bed and thinking, this period is going to ruin my vacation. I'm so over this. I'm so tired of being a woman. No one else in my life knows what that's like.
And if happened. Immediately following that declaration, I lost my period for 5 months. It disappeared completely. It knew it wasn't welcome.
For the first month, I didn't mind. It was a break. But by the third month, I knew something was seriously wrong. I remember crying because I thought, I'm not ready for this. I went to the doctor and was dismissed with a, "You're just in perimenopause."
I'm 37, I thought. There's no way! There's definitely something wrong. And then I realized, I had done that to myself. You're that strong, I said to myself. You have forgotten all of your ways and you have diminished yourself and made yourself so small that you have cursed the gift of your cycle. And I prayed. I said, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that I didn't see the power of this. I'm so sorry that I'm not taking care of myself. Give me another chance.